Fear of Falling

Fear of falling is our birthright. Perhaps that's why most of us, at least some of the time (and some of us most of the time), are frightened by another deeply primal experience: intimacy. Allowing yourself to become emotionally close is the psychological equivalent of skidding off a cliff; hence the expression "falling in love". This gauzy phrase usually describes a sexual connection.

But love has infinite variations that can swallow the floor from under your feet at any moment.

It is a bad idea to guard our heart from the falling. There's an old folktale about a giant who removes his own heart, locks it in a series of metal boxes and buries the whole conglomeration. Thereafter, his enemies can stab or shoot him, but never fatally. Of course, he also loses the benefits of having a heart, such as happiness. The giant sits around like Mrs Lincolm grimly trying to enjoy the play, until he's so miserable he digs up his heart and stabs it himself.

This grisly parable reminds us that refusing to love is emotional suicide. Yet many of us fight like giants to guard ourselves from intimacy, boxing up our hearts in steel-hard false beliefs. "I'm unlovable" is one such lock box. "Everyone wants to exploit me" is another. Then there's "I shouldn't feel that" and " I have to follow the rules" etc. Whatever your own heart-coffins may be, notice that they're ruining your happiness, not preserving it. If you've buried your heart to keep it from hurting, you're hurting.

It is also a bad idea to control your beloved. "If you don't love me, I'll kill myself. If you stop loving me, I'll kill you." Some people believe such statements are expressions of true intimacy. Actually, they're weapons of control which destroy real connection faster than you can say "restraining order". Though few of us are this radically controlling, we often use myriad forms of manipulation and coercion. We can say, "Sure, whatever makes you happy," in a tone that turns this innocuous phrase into a vicious blow. To the extent that we try to make anyone do, feel, or think anything - whether our weapon is people pleasing, sarcasm, or a machete - we trade intimacy for microterrorism. So, if neither control nor avoidance works, what does?

The best advice for coping with fear of intimacy is - be willing. Avoidance and control can't keep our hearts from falling, or cushion the landing. Why not try throwing yourself forward, being willing not to mind that it's going to hurt? Please note: "Being willing not to mind" isn't the same as genuinely not minding. You'll mind the risks of intimacy - count on it. Be willing anyway?

But how? Simply allow your feelings - all of them - into full consciousness. Articulate your emotions. Write about them in a journal, tell them to a friend, confess to them to your priest, therapist, cab driver. Feel the full extent of your love, your thirst, your passion, without holding back or grasping at anything or anyone (especially not the object of your affection.

It is also a good idea to go "woo hoo"!! This phrase works as well when you're falling emotionally as when you're falling physically. When fear hits, when you want to grasp or hide, shout "Woo Hoo" instead. While there is never - not ever - a sure foundation beneath our feet, the willingess to celebrate what we really feel can turn falling into flying.

What I really panic about nowadays isn't falling ; its landing. But even that concern is fading, because I've realised there are only two possible landings for someone who embraces intimacy, and both are beautiful.

The first possibility is that your beloved will love you back. Then you won't land; you'll just fall deeper into intimacy, together. This is how bald eagles prepare to mate - by locking talons and free falling like rocks - which is deeply insane and makes me proud to call the eagle my country's national bird.

The other possibility is that you'll throw yourself forward, yell "Woo Hoo"! and smash into rejection. Will it hurt? Indescribably. But if you still refuse to bury your broken heart, or force someone to "fix" it - if you just experience the crash landing in all its gory glory, you'll create a miracle.

If you fall into intimacy without resistance, despite your alarm, either you will fall into love, which is exquisite, or love will fall into you, which is more exquisite still. Do it enough, and you may just lose your fear of falling. You'll get better at missing the ground, at keeping a crushed heart open so that love can find all the broken pieces. And the next time you feel that vertiginous sensation of the floor disappearing, even as your reflexes tell you to duck and grab, you'll hear an even deeper instinct saying, Fall in! Fall in!!!

So.......... woo hoo!!!!!

(Extract from Oprah Magazine)